Guess what? Katie Holmes divorced Tom Cruise! It's media frenzy! And I'm straight up obsessed with it. Like Anderson Cooper's sexuality, Blake Lively's nose job and Lindsay Lohan's natural hair color, my love of celebrity gossip is a poorly kept secret. I've been on dlisted.com more times than I care to admit in say, the past twenty minutes, than I have in months. So without any basis of fact and pure gossip, this is why TomKat's divorce is so relevant and awesome.
Scientology is scary shit, you guys. I watched the South Park episode about it. You know, the one with the disclaimer on the bottom "Scientologists actually believe this." Now let me tell you two things: I love aliens and I take religion culturally and not as fact. Now let me tell you something else: Scientologists believe aliens are inhabiting their souls. Or something like that. You know who else believes that aliens inhabit souls? Stephanie Fucking Meyer. Of Twilight fame. She wrote a book about it and everything. (I didn't read it. I had better things to do. Like pick my nose.) I'm so happy that Katie Holmes managed to escape the slimy clutches of Tom Cruise and his cronies' alien fingers. Nicole Kidman did it, too. You go, girls. She divorced him in a fantastic show of girl power.
This divorce is also filled with mystery and intrigue, better than a romance novel, same level as Dan Brown. It's been reported that Holmes and her daughter Suri are being followed by a mysterious van filled with mysterious men in suits that are not paparazzi. Speculation has erupted that these are Scientologists stalking her. "Sources" are even saying she's afraid they'll kidnap Suri. Now, I have some sort of concern for Katie and Suri, but how cool is that? She's being stalked by mysterious men! Someone call Alfred Hitchcock's zombie because I guarantee you shit is about to get real.
"People" are saying that Katie Holmes is hoping that this divorce boosts her celebrity status. These "people" are also saying that there was a marriage contract, she's getting millions and she's basically making out like a bandit. I hope this boosts her celebrity status. I hope she crushes Tom Cruise like a bug. He scares the living daylights out of me. (Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol was pretty enjoyable though, I'll give him that.) Katie, I will follow you everywhere and ask for your autograph if this is what you need. Just call me, girl.
Also, Katie Holmes has really nice hair. Her hair deserves to be free of Tom Cruise's tiny clutches. She needs to let her freak flag fly.
You can contact Sarah, the author of this post, at sarah@nottheitgirls.com.
